Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D
The chainsaw-wielding masked murderer is unleashed from his lair and seeks vengeance on those that murdered his family. The film is meant as a direct sequel to the original from the 1974, so, if you haven’t already forgotten the Jessica Biel remake of 2003 and the Jordana Brewster prequel to the remake of 2006, which was basically a shot-for-shot remake of the remake, please do so now. Got it? Good.
Who’s in it?
The up and coming Alexandra Daddario takes her turn in the sexy scream queen role, while Tania Raymonde of Lost fame plays the sexy blonde friend, and a trio of sexy boys joins the girls, all of whom are plagued by the less sexy Leatherface and coconspirators.
Delivering the blood and idiocy you expected but never asked for of another TCM film, the latest installment follows a painfully boring and predictable pattern until with a minor twist that is made to warrant the film being made. You see, when villagers murdered Leatherface’s family after the initial massacre, they left all but one alive; a young girl who would be adopted and grow into the lovely Heather (Daddario).
See, it’s clever in the way in which a six-year-old may use a metaphor, or a dog knows how to unlock a gate; it’s cute, and we’re using a very low standard here. There is plenty of blood, spurting towards the screen in 3D (the only thing in the film with three dimensions), and an endless string of poor decisions after poor decisions.
The rewards of this genre are meek, as even Leatherface seems old and tired, as if internally he is questioned a life of monotony. You may be questioning a lot about your own life watching this movie.
Should You See It?
It’s hard to justify paying for the film, especially if you have Netflix and can see pretty much the same film online for cheap. If you do go, bring a bunch of friends, and embrace it as fodder for joke-making; just make sure you don’t disturb the movie-going experience for others—if there are any others.
“A chainsaw don’t make him bulletproof,” says a confident policeman who, shortly thereafter, becomes a lot less confident.