Should I See This Movie is finally back after a brief hiatus, but this time it’s got a new name! That’s right, everyone’s favorite almost-weekly segment of me talking to myself in question and answer form is now called All Questions Answered. So on the newly renamed All Questions Answered, today we Answer All Questions about The Bourne Legacy.
Want to find out whether or not you should see the new Matt Damon-free and Jeremy Renner-filled Bourne movie? Well then, check out what’s below, because you’re about to have All Questions Answered.
Q: What was the best action scene in this movie?
A: The only action scenes in this movie were of Jeremy Renner jumping from one thing to another.
Q: So if there were no action scenes, was the movie at least a good drama with interesting dialogue or characters?
A: No. Nothing in this movie made any sense because it was mostly nonsense “Secret Agent” technical jargon mixed with Jason Bourne name dropping and scenes of Jeremy Renner jumping.
Q: Does this movie acknowledge the fact that Jason Bourne is no longer part of the series?
A: I’m almost certain that’s all this movie does.
Q: What do you mean?
A: The entire purpose of The Bourne Legacy seems to be to name-drop Jason Bourne every minute and mention that he’s still around somewhere, but we just can’t see him.
Q: Can you give me an example of this?
A: “Jason Bourne is in New York City and he just singlehandedly took down 17 armored cars, 12 police helicopters, and 156 SWAT team members. We just can’t seem to get a visual on that… but trust me, it was awesome. In the meantime, here’s another shot of Jeremy Renner jumping around.”
Q: Does this movie have any arbitrary shots of horses in it?
A: It had an arbitrary shot of a wolf, but not a horse. Although most of this movie was so boring and unwatchable that there may have been a horse in there somewhere.
Q: Can you give me an example of the dialogue?
A: “We have to get an Alpha team out on this problem with the chems because Go-Sat doesn’t even have elementary Bravo access to any of our case files that JASON BOURNE tri-double-bonded-barrel-chested-grenade. Here’s Jeremy Renner jumping by the way.”
Q: What was the worst part of The Bourne Legacy?
A: Every two seconds someone would fire a sniper rifle into the sky and it would make the loudest sound ever recorded in movie history.
Q: What would have been a more appropriate title for this movie?
A: Watch Jeremy Jump.
Q: What was the funniest part of the movie?
A: Someone said the word Youtube. Everyone in the theatre laughed for some reason.
Q: Why do you think they laughed?
A: Because the only word that people understood in the entire first 30 minutes was Youtube.
Q: What did the guy sitting next to you say during that scene where Jeremy Renner was walking on a mountain.
A: The guy next to me loudly said “Where’s he going?”
Q: What did the guy sitting next to you say during that scene where Jeremy Renner jumped?
A: Jeremy Renner jumped in every scene.
Q: Okay, so what did the guy sitting next to you say during one of the scenes where Jeremy Renner Jumped?
A: “Whoa! This guy sure loves jumping!”
Q: What percentage of your personal space was taken up by the knee of the guy sitting next to you?
Q: What did the guy sitting next to you smell like?
A: Cabbage, Butter, and Spaghetti with Dog.
Q: How loud were the gunshots in this movie?
A: Insanely loud.
Q: Did Edward Norton play a guy with dual personalities like he has done in every movie of his, including but not limited to The Incredible Hulk, Fight Club, American History X, Primal Fear, etc.?
A: Edward Norton was in this movie? All I saw was Jeremy Renner jumping around furiously.
Q: Should I see this movie?
A: There’s a joke to be made here about jumping, but I’ll just keep it simple. No.