Movie Q&A: Battleship
With Peter Berg’s Battleship coming to theatres on Friday, we decided that rather than write a review for the film we would answer some potential questions that you might have before deciding whether or not to go see it. While we all know that Battleship will make lots of money with or without you, it’s still worth getting some things out of the way before the weekend and answering some questions before you slap down $15 to see two hours worth of explosions.
So without further adieu, I present you with Scene Creek’s first ever edition of “All Questions Answered”. As a side note, this segment does NOT include any spoilers that will ruin your enjoyment of the film.
This week’s entry of “All Questions Answered” is brought to you by Battleship; “It’s like if Transformers, Iron Man, The Titanic, and Catwoman all had sex together and made a movie!”
Hopper (TAYLOR KITSCH) and Raikes (RIHANNA) try to decipher a strange reading in “Battleship”, an epic-scale action-adventure that unfolds across the seas, in the skies and over land as our planet fights for survival against a superior force.
Q: How many explosions are in Battleship?
A: Well, curious viewer, since you asked, I’ll tell you. There are approximately 365 explosions in Battleship; that’s one explosion for every day of the year!
Q: Who are the stars of the film portraying sailors in the United States Navy?
A: The stars of the film that portray American Navy sailors are Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna, Alexander Skarsgard, and Liam Neeson. Ironically enough, not one of these people are actually American.
Q: Are there aliens in the film? If so, what do the aliens look like?
A: There are aliens in the film, and every one of them wears some version of Iron Man’s armor.
Q: Does anyone say “You sunk my battleship?” in this movie?
A: Unfortunately, no. However, there are many references to the popular board game, as there are several occasions where the captain of the titular battleship has to yell out things like “D14,” and then someone else on the ship responds by either saying “Hit,” or “Miss.”
Q: Is Rihanna in this movie?
A: Yes. Although I’m almost certain that her character was not only lacking any sort of noticeable character trait or personality, but was also lacking a name.
Q: Are there any arbitrary shots of horses that have absolutely nothing to do with the film and were almost certainly edited into the final cut by accident?
A: Yes. There were exactly two of these shots.
Q: Are there any montages in this film? I love montages.
A: Yes, there is a great montage in Battleship. It just so happens to be set to AC/DC’s Thunderstruck and is crammed into the part of the movie where tens of thousands of people are being mercilessly slaughtered by aliens, but I assure you, it’s there.
Q: What is the dramatic line that the main character says at the climax of the film?
A: As the theatre goes silent, the explosions stop for a second, and the whole crew stops to hear what their captain has to say before everyone is about to be killed, he utters the greatest line in movie history; “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Q: Does a double amputee get in a boxing match with a nine-foot tall alien in a suit of armor?
A: Yes, that does happen. But I won’t tell you who wins.
Q: Is this movie any good?
A: This movie is most definitely not good. However, it is also absolutely not bad. If one thing is certain, judging by audience reaction, it’s that Battleship is the funniest movie of the year.
Q: What is the funniest part of Battleship?
A: When the credits roll, and the first thing that we see is a title card that proudly announces that the movie is “Based on the classic Hasbro naval combat game.”