I’m here for the sexy people, the intense stares and the corny love story. Let’s start off with the sexy people. As promised, Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt within the first few seconds of the movie, satisfying my fellow Team Jacob fans. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see those abs-that-have-abs again for the rest of the movie. Instead, we miss out on Robert Pattinson’s butt crack and only see the damage post-sex, leaving the vampire-to-human love-making to our imagination.

As for the corny love story, before you watch Breaking Dawn Part 1, pretend you’re a fourteen-year-old teenager who believes in true love. Now imagine you’re with your high school sweetheart and you’re finally 18 and you want to get married and start a life together. Bella (Kristen Stewart) is totally living the dream right now! She’s got an awesome older sister figure Alice (Ashley Greene) teaching her how to walk like a lady while having secret bedroom visits with her beau Edward (Robert Pattinson). The wedding goes off without a hitch and they escape to RIo de Janeiro.

Since this is Breaking Dawn Part 1, the story centers around Bella’s pregnancy. Kristen Stewart is still very twitchy and shaky, and the near-anorexic body helps to solidify that. She may be a little too comfortable with her real-life lover because it feels like a family video whenever we watch her staring not-so-endlessly into Robert Pattinson’s eyes. I mean, they see each other all day every day, so why wait till forever when there’s now?

The real drama is between Jacob and his wolf pack. I’d completely write off watching the movie except for this part. Taylor Lautner plays a great jaded lover that enjoys making a stab at his arch enemy whenever possible. Cuddling up to Bella because he’s the only one with warm blood? How can you not love this guy!

There are a lot of jokes among friends and family as they suffocate Bella and her baby, lightening up all the dark and bloody scenes that occur during her demon alien birth. Prepare yourself for a lot of blood. At times I feel like I’ve accidentally gone to a horror movie with the gory, graphic scenes and epic instrumental music. It’ll shake your bones, that’s for sure.

[star v=3]