All I really know about Alexandre Dumas’ tale of The Three Musketeers is that age-old phrase, “All for one, and one for all.” I was assuming something in the likes of Robin Hood but with the light humor of A Knight’s Tale (remember the ‘we will rock you’ track?) since we’re watching a movie set in the medieval times in 3D. We can’t get any more modern without spaceships, although a flying ship battle gets pretty close!

The three musketeers, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and Cagliostro (Til Schweiger), are introduced one-by-one with their names painted on the screen like a superhero comic movie (I mean, they even have capes and masks so why not?), but they’re drawn a little dark. Are they the good guys or bad guys? I’m a little confused, and it could be through Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich)’s pokerface that’s throwing me off. She blows off their mission on uncovering Leonardo Di Vinci’s secret war machine and hands it to the evil Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom).

So the story begins. There’s a new boy in town, D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman), son of another musketeer that has his heart on joining the three musketeers in the heroic activity of protecting France. He’s one obnoxious little brat that starts a fight with everyone he encounters and has no problem attracting the ladies with that pretty hair. He meets the three musketeers that are too specialized in heroism to really do anything else with their lives and are instead drinking their days away.

Milady de Winter has herself all tied up between Buckingham and The teenage King Louis XIII of France (Freddie Fox)’s advisor Richelieu (Christopher Waltz), taking whoever gives her the better deal. After her betrayal with Athos, can we expect any different from her? Being director Paul W.S. Anderson’s wife, she gets a bunch of sexy Matrix-like action scenes all performed with a corset and curls. Forget the dudes in tights and long hair, their sword fights just make us want to see more Jovovich.

Orlando Bloom plays an awkward evil villain. He should leave the black eye-liner to Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean and stay on the good side. He doesn’t even have a convincing maniacal laugh! Christopher Waltz is also disappointing in his not-so-threatening role as the Cardinal listening to a teenage King talk about his four musketeers battling forty guards. “And you beat them like a drum!”

This film should really be called Three And a Half Musketeers with Logan as their ‘wild card’ to victory. Unfortunately, Logan is probably one of the weakest actors in the entire cast and has an incredibly large amount of screen-time. I wish I saw more of Freddie Fox and Juno Temple, they make the best awkward teenage King and Queen I’d almost watch a sequel just to see how their relationship pans out!

[star v=3]