I’m confused, who was this movie made for? All I see in The Avengers is a bunch of super sexy talent confined to an invisible floating submarine fighting over who gets to play captain. Oh and no one gets a girl? Now I really don’t get it. I’m pretty sure nerds like hot damsels in distress with ripped skirts and super heroes that don’t have personality disorders. I swear we barely see any skin, except if you count Mark Ruffalo’s bare ass, which is unfortunately the last person in this film I wanted to see naked.

The story doesn’t prove itself to be any more enlightening. There’s some evil guy Loki (Tom Hiddleston) that basically enjoys causing trouble and doesn’t know what he’s getting himself in for. So his brother Thor (Chris Hemsworth) has to like, keep him in check or whatever while the rest of the super heroes figure out who wears the pants in this collective. That involves the way too righteous Captain America (Chris Evans) who barely gives us enough sexy time, Tony Stark as Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) who is just way too involved with Pepper (Gwyneth Paltrow) to really care about making chemistry anywhere else on screen, and Bruce Banner who plays ‘the other guy’ or as we know him as The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) that is basically like a watered-down Robert Downey Jr. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what they were going for, right?

And let’s talk about the completely useless female roles. Scarlett Johansson must just be on a mission to redeem herself from the last comic book movies in her Natasha Romanoff role, but she’s still an unimportant character in general. But Cobie Smulders takes the cake in meaningless characters as Agent Maria Hill. Beyond all this nonsense there is actually a war among worlds being declared, so like, these humans need to get their act together, scripted or not.

If you’re a huge comic book fan you might enjoy it, but I’ll never know. All I can say is Samuel L. Jackson makes me feel like we’re checking out hoodlums for another Fast and the Furious movie. But then all the cool gadgets make me think of GI Joe and the weird alien army makes me feel like I’m watching The Transformers. We should have opted for an animation movie, then I’ll really know I’m watching a comic book.

[star v=25]