Jurassic Park 3D hits theatres today and if there’s one thing we know about this movie based on the title it’s that it’s in 3D. If there’s two things we know about the movie based on the title it’s that it probably takes place in some sort of park. Possibly a Jurassic-era park.

With that out of the way, let’s get right to it and answer some of the most commonly asked questions that you had about Jurassic Park 3D.

Q: I saw the trailers and this movie looks like a blatant rip off of the original Jurassic Park. What gives?
A: What gives is that this movie is a blatant rip off of the original Jurassic Park. Mostly because it is the original Jurassic Park.

Q: Oh. That makes sense. So why is it coming back to theatres?
A: Jurassic Park is being re-released on its 20^th anniversary because it has now been digitally remastered, and, umm… converted into 3D. Obviously.

Q: Who are the stars of this movie?
A: Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum.

Q: Who?
A: …People that used to be famous two decades ago and are now very hard to find. The only quintessential late 80s/early 90s star that this movie is missing is Steve Guttenberg.

Q: Yeah, whatever happened to Steve Guttenberg?
A: That’s not really relevant to this conversation.

Q: I never saw the original Jurassic Park, does it hold up?
A: As far as movies from 1993 go, Jurassic Park holds up better than most. The dinosaurs still look good, even considering today’s CG, the score is as beautiful as ever, and luckily Jeeps have always looked the same.

Q: Is this movie funny?
A: Yes. Especially when the little girl exclaimed with utter joy that the Jeep was equipped with an interactive CD-ROM.

Q: Is the 3D good?
A: The 3D is good, as you’d hope a movie specifically converted to 3D by Spielberg would be, but some scenes don’t hold up on a giant screen in 3D. Most notably is the extreme close ups, which now are way too close considering how giant the screen is and how everything now has added depth. A closeup of soil definitely looked good when viewed in 1993 on a VHS on a 13” colour TV, but when digitally projected in 3D on an IMAX screen it tends to be a little too close.

Q: Was this movie violent?
A: Surprisingly, yes. Not only does Jurassic Park show several dinosaurs being eaten right in front of the camera, but multiple people die or are shown to be dismembered on camera and for some reason none of the characters even blink an eye.

Q: Does anything else violent happen?
A: Yes. The little boy in the movie, Timmy (following a proud tradition of all 90s movie kids being named Timmy), almost dies many times. Most notably, he gets crushed by a T. rex, crushed by a car, severely electrocuted, deprived of food and water for a day, and chased by two Raptors.

Q: How did he survive these things?
A: The only explanation is that Timmy is super-human. This is especially evident when Timmy survives after having who knows how many volts of electricity surge through his body after all of his limbs were holding on to the electric fence when it got turned on. Keep in mind this is the same fence meant to keep Tyrannosaurus Rexes inside. But apparently its got nothing on Timmy.

Q: Can you give me a spoiler free version of what happens in the climax?
A: The two main characters are trying to keep a Raptor out of the computer room by holding the door shut. Since they are holding the door shut, neither of them can reach for the gun needed to shoot the Raptor. The girl, Lex, is doing some 90s era computing, so she can’t help, and Timmy, ever the super-human who doesn’t need to abide by regular-people rules, is jumping up and down for absolutely no reason. So he’s busy too. Leave him alone.

Q: What was Lex doing on the computer?
A: She was trying to load a program in order to turn the park’s power and door locking mechanisms back on. However, all 12 kilobytes of RAM on the computer were being occupied by trying to render 3D neon cubes for some reason. It was the 90s. Whatever.

Q: How do all the dinosaurs get loose in the first place?
A: They get loose because Samuel L. Jackson’s character is too busy saying “hold on to your butts” every three seconds and he forgets that it might be a good idea to maybe put some type of manual override somewhere in this park that houses the most dangerous creatures in the history of the world.

Q: Why are you being so hard on this movie?
A: I’m not. Make no mistake that this is a classic movie and one of Spielberg’s best. Everything about it is amazing, and the little things that I’ve pointed out only make me love it more.

Q: Can you sum up this edition of All Questions Answered with a YouTube link?
A: Yes. I leave you with a harmonica cover of the Jurassic Park score. Check it out.