To begin this week’s edition of All Questions Answered I would like to start off with a simple little mathematic equation.

Jason Bateman + Melissa McCarthy = Amazing Comedy Movie

Got it? Good.

Now with that fresh in your mind, let’s take a look at some of the most common questions that people have about Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy’s Amazing Comedy Movie, Identity Thief.

Q: I checked your math on that equation above and it seems to make sense. But I’d just like to confirm that Bateman + McCarthy = Amazing Comedy Movie.
A: Though my math is correct, somehow, amazingly, mysteriously, there was an unexpected parameter that was not taken into consideration. Apparently Bateman + McCarthy = Amazing Comedy Movie, but Amazing Comedy Movie + (Identity Thief – X) = Bad Movie. And if you solve for X, it turns out that X = Comedy, and (Identity Thief – Comedy) = Identity Thief.

Q: What? You’ve lost me. I failed Grade 11 math.
A: I’m saying that though Identity Thief should have turned out to be an Amazing Comedy Movie, it was largely devoid of comedy and did not work at all.

Q: Was Identity Thief funny in any way?
A: Identity Thief is a movie with a very funny premise and a very talented cast, and yet almost nothing about it is funny.

Q: Was any of the dialogue funny?
A: There was a line in Identity Thief that was so unbelievably bad and confusing that I had to actually find a pen in the dark movie theatre and right it on the back of a magazine so I would remember.

Q: What was the line?
A: “I’ve had a shitty day and you have a face that looks like a dog’s asshole.”

Q: Did the guy have a face that looks like a dog’s asshole?
A: Umm… not really, no.

Q: What was the most ridiculous thing about this movie?
A: At one point or another almost every single character should have died, but for some reason none of them did.

Q: Give one example.
A: One character got in a high-speed car accident on the highway. The car flipped about 3 times, and the character only had a bloody nose.

Q: Give another example.
A: One character was in the woods when a giant poisonous snake coiled around his neck and bit him in the throat. After seizing up and becoming paralysed, he was completely fine in the next scene.

Q: Why was there a giant poisonous snake in a movie that takes place around the Denver area?
A: No fucking clue.

Q: Give yet another example.
A: One character got shot in the head. Literally right in the head. But he was fine. No hospital or anything.

Q: I bet you couldn’t give another example.
A: Two more characters got shot, one in the stomach and one in the leg. Both of these characters were completely fine in the next scene. No limp, no bullet wound, nothing.

Q: This is insane. There couldn’t be any more examples, could there?
A: The same character who was in the car accident and escaped with a bloody nose also got hit by a car , head on, at full speed. She rolled off the hood, smacked her face on the road, and got right back up without a single injury. Even cartoon characters show more signs of damage than the people in Identity Thief.

Q: Was the ending at least good?
A: Throughout the film Jason Bateman’s character committed a series of very serious crimes along with Melissa McCarthy’s character. After multiple cases of fraud, theft, assault, and escaping from a police car, Jason Bateman’s character was never charged for any of these things.

Q: Why wasn’t he charged with those crimes?
A: Because someone else had “taken responsibility.” Apparently despite the fact that everyone in the world had seen him commit these crimes, as long as someone else says “Nah, he didn’t do it,” everything is cool.