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Worst Films of 2014

Here are my 5 least favorite films of the year. They don’t deserve an embarrassing, scathing introduction. They’ve already embarrassed themselves enough.

5. A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST

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Seth MacFarlane cashed in all his credibility chips from executive producing COSMOS and funding Reading Rainbow with this embarrassment of a comedy. It wants to be BLAZING SADDLES so badly, but it has zero of the wit and all of the shit…literally: I think every scene ends with Seth MacFarlane’s face landing in sheep shit.

I didn’t laugh once. You won’t either. Unless sheep feces tickles your fancy.

4. GOD IS NOT DEAD

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I saw this movie with a group of Christian friends, and I think they rolled their eyes harder than I did. Kevin Sorbo hams it up hilariously as the evil Atheist professor hell-bent on destroying academia with secular views. Too bad he didn’t have a mustache to twirl just to remind us how evil he and Atheists really are!

This movie isn’t about the importance of faith; it’s offensive propaganda stating that Christianity is the only correct philosophy. Want proof? The Atheist almost dies until he accepts Jesus, and even a Muslim student “sees the light” that is Christ.

There were some great faith-based films this year (HEAVEN IS FOR REAL is worth a watch). This was not one of them.

3. LONE SURVIVOR

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Peter Berg should be ashamed of himself. A talented director, Berg decided to take one of the most heroic, tragic stories in recent U.S. military history and treat it like a Call of Duty video game. American soldiers die in gratuitous slow motion after tens of bullets penetrate them. Evil Muslim (®) combatants only take one bullet to die. It’s pretty cartoonish, and extremely offensive.

If you like films that humanize our brave troops rather than lionize them, skip this film. If you like intelligent, nuanced war films that don’t play out as bullet porn, skip this film.

Just skip this film.

2. TRANSCENDENCE

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This is a perfect (shit) storm of bad dialogue, bad acting, and bad science. A weak attempt at modern-day Luddite preaching, this laughable “control technology before it controls the world” stinker is pretty much the nail in Johnny Depp’s career coffin.

1. TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION

Michael Bay wants to watch the world burn. And this latest installment of  robot orgies is the most brainless, incoherent, overblown of the TRANSFORMERS franchise. That’s really saying something.

The entire movie is an explosion, which renders them impotent. An explosion of flames is as commonplace as a tree blowing in the wind. It’s just background action at this point. There’s no point whatsoever to this film, except to fulfill sponsorship obligations with Bud Light, Mountain Dew, Beats by Dre and the hundred other product placements that are visible in every scene.

Let’s hope this franchise is extinct.

MICHAEL BAY, MIKE TYSON, HIROMI OSHIMA

Erik Abriss

Erik Abriss is a writer living in Los Angeles. He knew when he was voted "Adam Sandler Look-Alike" for his 7th grade yearbook superlatives his movie nerd personality was solidified. Follow him on twitter (@Jew_Chainz) for more incendiary views on all things film. Goonies never say die!