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Seven Psychopaths: Which Psychopath Are You?

It’s never really talked about directly, but it’s there in Seven Psychopaths if you look for it; it is that you, yourself, may indeed be a psychopath.

So how do you know exactly?

Well, for one, if you are sitting in the movie theater during an adult comedy and you seek a bloody, violent, dramatic film with an ending that takes violence, blood, and drama to it’s ridiculous and thrilling conclusion, you may be psychopath.

In this case, you would be Billy (Sam Rockwell), the well-intentioned yet crazed best friend who has fun kidnapping, err borrowing, dogs now so as to collect a sizable reward later. In his free time he spouts off to no end about nothing in particular.

If you want to write about a movie about psychopaths, you may also be a psychopath (not sure what wanting to be a writer in general says what with this job market and industry, but you’re probably crazy too in that case). This is Marty (Colin Farrell), aspiring Los Angeles screenwriter and often helpless accomplice to the witless Billy.

If you choose to support both of these types of men as a friend, counselor, and/or colleague, then you may be a psychopath. Enter Hans, played by Christopher Walken in hysterical Christopher Walken fashion, soft-spoken and warm-hearted, who deals with the second phase of Billy’s two-phase plan. For what it is worth, he uses the money to help fund treatment for his infirmed ladylove, bedridden in a hospital.

If you are a crime-boss, and so stricken with sadness and despair upon losing your Shih Tzu that it leads you simultaneously on a killing spree and a sob-fest, then you might be a psychopath. When Charlie (Woody Harrelson) kidnaps a cute pup named Bonny (listed in the credits as Bonny), Charlie and his henchmen act quickly (read: kill), asking questions before and after. Hans and Marty get tangled into the mess, and things get out of hand. But really, if you’re a psychopath, things in your life must already be out of hand.

It doesn’t need to be said, but if you choose to have an intimate or physical relationship with any of these fine men, you may be a psychopath. Such is the case with Kaya (Abbie Cornish), Marty’s girlfriend, of whom Billy has some choice opinions, or Angela (Olga Kurylenko), who based on attractiveness according to the sexy-crazy scale, must be totally insane.

Lastly, if you respond to anyone who is actively seeking psychopaths, be it through an ad by a screenwriter looking for inspiration or simply turning around when someone on the street yells ‘hey, psychopath!’ and you do this while carrying around a pet white rabbit (living, mind you), then you may be a psychopath. That’s Zachariah (Tom Waits), and he is one of the few crazies you can spot instantly.

That’s seven, but that is not to say there isn’t more in Martin McDonagh’s satisfyingly hysterical and bloody screwball comedy. There is at least one more to be sure, and I don’t mean anyone who makes a conscious decision to live in Los Angeles or work in media. It’s you. And it’s me. And anyone else who chooses to see this ridiculous movie and then instantly fall in love; be careful, it’s infectious.

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Anthony Marcusa

A pop-culture consumer, Anthony seeks out what is important in entertainment and mocks what is not. Inspired by history, Anthony writes with the hope that someone, somewhere, might be affected.

  • Sharon Ballon

    If you like quirky, funny, with some violence, you’ll enjoy this movie. I know I did.