Review: X-Men: Apocalypse
We wanted to enjoy X-Men: Apocalypse, we truly did. With the exceptions of X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, we’ve been longtime rabid fans of the X-Men film franchise. Yes, we were the lone person who shouted from the rooftops that X-Men: First Class was not only decent, but perhaps the best X-Men film in over a decade. (Come at us haters!) Yet there is very little worth defending in X-Men: Apocalypse, director Bryan Singer’s fourth in the franchise and first horrendous misfire.
In this latest outing, proto mutant/Egyptian God En Sabah Nur (better known to his fellow mutants as just Apocalypse, played by a wholly unrecognizable Oscar Isaac, aka the Internet’s Boyfriend) has arisen from his centuries old slumber to recruit four horsemen of the Apocalypse, aka four all-powerful mutants, to “cleanse the planet”. Thus he anoints greater strength and heightened swagger to Storm (Alexandra Shipp), Psylocke (Olivia Munn), Angel (Ben Hardy), and Magneto (Michael Fassbender). Oh, you guessed it, this means that Professor Xavier (James McAvoy) has to get his mutant “band” back together in order to stop the all powerful Apocalypse. In come Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence), Cyclops (Tye Sheridan), Jean Grey (Game of Thrones‘ Sophie Turner), Nightcrawler (Kodi Smit-Mcphee), and the scene- stealing Quicksilver (Evan Peters) to save the day. And then, nothing happens. Or rather, close to two hours pass where meaningless explosions occur and Apocalypse shouts his evil master plans while everyone else literally stand around looking bored. Sure there are brief moments of levity (Fassbender giving female audience members the steel worker fantasy of their dreams, Wolverine’s cameo, a very meta nod acknowledging the third film in a series always being the weakest link, and Rose Byrne giving everyone the female Indiana Jones we never knew we yearned for until now), but those only occur every half an hour or so.
If it weren’t for those key moments, as well as Fassbender and Turner’s magnetic (we couldn’t resist) performances, X-Men: Apocalypse wouldn’t be worth watching at all.