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Review: Immortals

Yes, 300 was an epic movie for its time. We passed through a few Halloween nights with a bunch of half-naked college kids dressed up in red robes. The producers have brought us no less than exactly what we’ve been asking for in Immortals — more blood, more gore and more men in half-naked war armor! Who else than the CG master director Tarsem Singh to give it to you, in 3D.

I’m rusty with my Greek mythology, but it looks like the story was adequately accurate for the general public. Either that, or we’re easily distracted with all the half-naked men walking around, which by the way, makes us very happy. It’s a generic story: the evil King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) is creating an army of deformed, cowardly men on a search for the epicurius bow in order to release the Titans. The hunky peasant Theseus (Henry Cavill) has the ability to change everything and we anxiously wait and see if he can save humanity. Am I going crazy, or does this guy look like Clark Kent from Smallville when he’s playing the poor, honest orphan that possesses superhuman powers and only wants to use it for the good of mankind or whatever. Let’s see how this plays out.

One of the most impressive things about this movie is the set. It’s always dark and dreary, almost other-worldly. The blood shed is almost black, there are some hideous scenes with some of the prisoners in Hyperion’s cave and when you look at the red ants polluting the screen from a wide-shot you reminisce about 300 and all its glorious violence. The gods sit above all this, in some cloudy area watching the humans act like fools. Funny how the gods are guys like Luke Evans, Daniel Sharman and Kellan Lutz with those skinny, tiny bodies — are these slender sticks the object of perfection? They’re too pretty in heaven, I’m glad I’m stuck on earth with the dirty slaves.

Was anyone else a little disappointed about the severe lack in sexuality? I expected more sex, whether it be passionate lovers before going to war, horrendous rape scenarios or just other primal indulgences; but all I got to see was Frieda Pinto’s butt. I guess we didn’t want to get confused with the real focus of the movie (Henry Cavill’s abs — Oops, I mean the blood and swords and violence and stuff). Although I must say, I almost had a heart-attack during the wild awakening between Friedo Pinto and Henry Cavill when they suddenly realize they’re attracted to each other.

Oh yeah, they do quote Socrates in the beginning, but don’t pay too much attention to the dialogue — it’s obviously not the focus of the film. But do prepare yourself for some of the most gruesome torture scenes, like ever. Like cringing in your seat and jumping up in shock and horror and being wildly entertained in general by all the action. I must say Immortals trumps 300 only because of Theseus’ dramatic speech right before they go to war. We fight for a lot of reasons, but most importantly, “we fight for immortality.” I don’t care how corny that sounds, it was an epic scene and I felt the magic.

[star v=35]

Amanda Chen

A local celebrity herself, she's got the 411 on everything happening in Hollywood. She knows what she likes and her sass-mouth says it loud and clear. Follow her for the latest gossip and reviews on your favorite movies.