When watching a horror movie it’s best to not really think about anything except for the people getting sliced up on the screen in front of you. Don’t try to figure out why the character went in the basement with the lights off, because there’s no good answer. Don’t wonder what the girl’s reason is for not leaving the house with the killer in it, because there isn’t one. Essentially everything in every horror movie is stupid, and the less you think about it the better.
Having said that, this month’s remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, creatively titled Texas Chainsaw 3D, has brought up a lot of fictional questions. Fictional questions that I am now about to answer in this week’s edition of All Questions Answered.
Unlike most editions of All Questions Answered, this week’s contains SPOILERS. Although, to be fair, it’s almost impossible to spoil a movie like Texas Chainsaw 3D. People are going to go to Texas and get torn up with a chainsaw. In 3D. It’s pretty much guarenteed.
Q: Why was The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remade?
A: Because the original wasn’t 3D enough.
Q: Is the 3D in this movie any good?
A: This movie was 3D? I didn’t notice.
Q: What was the best scene in this film?
A: When a chainsaw was pointed at the screen and was supposed to look like it was coming out at the audience, but instead it just looked blurry and weirdly off to the side.
Q: What is the plot of this movie?
A: The plot of Texas Chainsaw 3D is the same plot as every other B-horror movie. A bunch of good-looking young people go somewhere on vacation, do insanely stupid things, and end up getting killed for no reason.
Q: Was there really no reason that all of these people were getting killed?
A: The reason was that the guy with the chainsaw just liked killing.
Q: When does this movie take place?
A: Texas Chainsaw 3D opens with a scene from the past that is awkwardly out of context and feels like a trailer for another movie. Then the film jumps forward in time about 20 years to present day, except for some reason NO ONE from the original scene has aged at all in the past 20 years.
Q: What was the most ridiculous thing about this movie?
A: The most ridiculous thing about this movie is that no matter how many times the main girl is almost killed and no matter how many of her friends die, her shirt is always perfectly unbuttoned in order to show off just the right amount of cleavage.
Q: Like every horror movie, did the black guy die first?
A: Shockingly no. He died second.
Q: Was this movie funny?
A: Yes, there were several parts that were laugh-out-loud funny, though not on purpose.
Q: What was the funniest part of this movie?
A:The funniest part was when the guy with the chainsaw (called Leatherface in other movies but not called anything in this one), started chasing down the main character in a carnival and oddly not chainsawing the hundreds of other people around him. If his entire goal is to chainsaw people, why is he avoiding hundreds of targets right next to him and focusing solely on some girl that’s too fast for him?
Q: If the guy’s only weapon is a chainsaw, doesn’t that mean he can only hurt you if you’re within two feet of him?
A: Yes, that’s true, and one character in the film even says “Just ’cause he has a chainsaw don’t make him bulletproof.” Meanwhile, this character was a complete idiot and he decided not to ever look around him when entering a new room, so he got chainsawed in the back of the head.
Q: What happens at the end of the movie?
A: Not-Leatherface kills ALL of the main girl’s friends, but she decides just to forget about it and become friends with him. She then moves in with him and serves him dinner.
Q: Are you serious?