This Friday, yet another movie about Snow White gets released. This time, it’s Snow White and the Hunstman, a movie directed by no one you’ve ever heard of and starring Charlize Theron, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and that girl from Twilight (Kristen Stewart). It’s a dark retelling of the story of Snow White.

But is it any good? Well, I’m about to tell you because it’s time for another installment of “All Questions Answered”

Q: Is Snow White and the Huntsman any good?
A: It depends on your definition of the word “good.” If you define “good” like the rest of the world, then no, Snow White and the Huntsman is in no way “good.”

Q: Is this movie like that TV show Once Upon A Time or that movie Mirror Mirror?
A: Well, both of them are about Snow White, so in a sense, yes. In another, truer sense, no. Once Upon A Time is actually good, and Mirror Mirror at least didn’t try so hard to be good.

Q: Who wrote or directed this movie? It must have been someone good in order to get such a big budget and marketing push.
A: No one you’ve ever heard of has written this movie, and someone you’ve heard of even less has directed it.

Q: How long is this movie?
A: In a general sense, Snow White and the Huntsman is about 19 hours long. But it feels much, much longer.

Q: Does Charlize Theron’s character take a bath in this movie?
A: Yes.

Q: Does Charlize Theron’s character take a bath in water in this movie?
A: No.

Q: What substance does Charlize Theron’s character take a bath in?
A: It’s either half and half, or very thick white paint.

Q: Why does she do that?
A: There’s literally not a single reason for it, nor is it ever explained.

Q: What movie would you compare Snow White and the Hunstman to?
A: It’s comparable to King Kong in that every scene is about an hour long for no reason. But it’s also not comparable to King Kong since King Kong was good.

Q: Does the movie have any good hair or makeup effects like most of these movies do?
A: Yes. Especially if you consider one of the main character’s haircuts looking like he cut his own hair with a spaghetti strainer on top of his head good.

Q: Are there seven dwarves in this movie just like in the original Snow White?
A: Yes, but they’re played by regular sized actors. The movie just used CGI to awkwardly shrink the lower half of their body. It looks weird.

Q: Without spoiling the movie for me, what happens when one of the characters gets stabbed?
A: Well, a character (I won’t tell you who) gets stabbed right in the chest, but for absolutely no reason he/she doesn’t die. It’s not explained.

Q: Does Kristen Stewart show more emotion than usual in this film?
A: Haha, good one.

Q: Seriously, why did Charlize Theron take a bath in half and half?
A: I’ve been asking myself that all day.

Q: Is there any arbitrary shots of horses in this movie like there was with Battleship?
A: As a matter of fact, yes. There is a horse that is for no reason at all just sitting around on a beach, and then after one scene it’s never seen again.

Q: Is there any good acting in this movie?
A: Yes, between all her dairy product baths, Charlize Theron turns in an amazing performance for absolutely no reason.

Q: Should I see this movie?
A: Are you punishing yourself for something? If the answer is yes, then go see Snow White and the Hunstman.