This Friday, the film based on the play based on music from the 80s based on drug induced fantasies that various rock stars had decades ago finally hits theatres. Yes, Rock of Ages, starring Tom Cruise, Alec Baldwin, and Russell Brand is finally here. I can hear the middle-aged women screaming already.

Rock of Ages follows the story of a boy that meets a girl and falls in love. And it’s all set to some of the most famous rock songs of the 70s and 80s. So, do you want to find out if you should see this movie?

If you’ve answered yes, then you’ve come to the right place, because it’s time for another edition of All Questions Answered.

Q: Does this movie distinguish itself from the play in any way?
A: Even though I’ve never seen the play, I know what plays are like, and this movie is an awful lot like a play.

Q: How so?
A: Let me break down the plot of every play. 1) Boy meets girl as she comes into a new town. 2) Boy and girl fall in love. 3) Someone is protesting something. 4) Boy and girl’s story clash with some sort of social/political message that people are protesting. 5) There’s music. 6) Everyone sings everything. 7) Boy and girl fall in love. All of that happens in this movie.

 Q: What about that Spiderman musical?
A: Irrelevant.

Q: Would you consider this movie a musical?
A: People arbitrarily break out into song in Rock Of Ages. So yeah it’s a musical.

Q: Is Alec Baldwin actually playing the role of a gay, Rock-loving hippie-guy, or am I misinformed?
A: Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy. But Alec Baldwin IS playing the role of a gay, rock-loving hippie-guy. So chalk it up to miscasting, maybe?

Q: Is Tom Cruise actually playing the role of a Rock Icon, or am I misinformed? And please answer in song parody format.
A: (In the tune of Gnarls Barkley’s Crazy) Well I think it’s crazy. I think it’s crazy. I think it’s craaaazaaayyyy. Just like me.

 Q: That made no sense.
A: Well that’s what happens when you force me to answer in song parody format! Anyways, yes Tom Cruise does play the role of Stacee Jaxx, a Rock Icon, and even though the casting seems crazy, it’s not. It works.

Q: Does this movie have anything to offer in terms of quality dialogue or plot?
A: No. It’s a musical. There is no quality dialogue, and there is very little plot.

Q: What’s the funniest part of this movie?
A: Rock Of Ages is only funny because of how awkward it is.

Q: What’s the most awkward part?
A: When Paul Giamatti starts singing.

Q: What’s that now?
A: It’s true. Paul Giamatti sings.

Q: Are there any arbitrary shots of horses in this movie like there were in Battleship, Snow White, and kind of Piranha 3DD?
A: Nope. And I don’t even have a joke to add. There just weren’t any. Sorry.

Q: How would you compare this movie to The Hangover Part 2?
A: Both movies have primates in them for comedic relief. Although it’s a baboon in Rock Of Ages, and a capuchin in The Hangover Part 2.

Q: Would you say baboons are the cooler primates? If so, why?
A: Odd question, but yes, I would say baboons are the cooler primates. I would say this because they can rip people’s faces off.

Q: Was there any good cameos in this movie?
A: Yes. Will Forte was in it, but he only said one line and no one cared to elaborate on it.

Q: What was the best song in this movie?
A: They’re all quite good, but a particularly good one is Don’t Stop Believin’, which according to this movie was written by the main character, thus rendering Journey non-existent.

Q: I hate musicals. Will I hate this movie?
A: You will try to hate this movie with all of your will, but you will ultimately end up loving it.

Q: Are you sure?
A: If you like classic rock, Rock Of Ages is un-hateable. The plot is stupid, the dialogue is stupid, but the music is amazing. You can not hate this movie. It’s physically impossible.

Q: Doesn’t admitting that I like musicals make me a nerd?
A: Yes, person from the 90s that uses the word “nerd.” However, if anyone makes fun of you for liking Rock Of Ages, they are probably just masking their own love for Rock Of Ages. Or they haven’t seen it yet, in which case, buy them some tickets and become friends over two hours of rock and roll entertainment!

Q: Should I see this movie?
A: Yes! I admit it! This movie is great! Just go see it already!