On this week’s edition of All Questions Answered I get the unique pleasure of letting you know whether or not you should see Ted. You know, that movie about that talking teddy bear that sounds an awful lot like Peter Griffin? Yeah, that movie.
So, get ready to find out the answers to questions that nobody ever asked because it’s time for another edition of All Questions Answered.
Q: This movie is made by that guy who makes Family Guy, right?
A: Yes, Ted is made by Seth MacFarlane, the guy who made the once-funny cartoon, Family Guy.
Q: Once-funny? You don’t think Family Guy is funny anymore?
A: No. It stopped being funny in 2008 somewhere around the 87th time that they cut to a scene of something useless for about half the show. Let’s talk about Ted though.
Q: Is Ted at all like Family Guy?
A: Yes, Ted is essentially a movie version of Family Guy staring Mark Wahlberg.
Q: What’s one way in which Ted is like Family Guy?
A: Have you seen the trailers? If you have, you’ll know that the bear has the same voice as Peter Griffin.
Q: What’s another way in which Ted is like Family Guy?
A: The movie is jam-packed with jokes that go nowhere and arbitrary references that mean nothing.
Q: What’s yet another way in which Ted is like Family Guy?
A: Now you’re just getting greedy.
Q: Sorry. But seriously.
A: Okay. Another way Ted is like Family Guy is in the fact that it tries to push the envelope and get people in the theatre to say “Oooooh, you can’t say that!”
A: Did anyone in the theatre say “Oooooh, you can’t say that!” when you watched Ted?
A: Yes. Many people. It was the worst.
Q: Are there any arbitrary shots of horses in this movie like there was in Battleship and Snow White and the Huntsman?
A: Well, there is a shot of a rocking horse, but it’s far from arbitrary. If anything, it is the least arbitrary shot of anything in the whole movie.
Q: What is the most inaccurate part of the movie?
A: You mean aside from the fact that the main character is a talking bear?
Q: Yeah, aside from that.
A: Well then. The talking bear owns and operates an iPhone. Correct me if I’m wrong, but only human skin works on capacitive touch screens such as the iPhone’s, correct?
Q: You are most definitely not wrong.
Q: Is Ted funny?
A: Some stuff in Ted is very funny, other stuff in Ted is the opposite of very funny, which is, I guess, unfunny.
Q: Never mind.
Q: How is the bear in Ted able to talk?
A: Motion-capture technology, voice recording hardware and software, editing, computers, voice acting, etc.
Q: How is the bear in Ted able to talk in terms of the film’s narrative?
A: Magical wish.
Q: How is the bear in Ted able to drink, eat, live, make money, work, and sleep?
A: Umm… magical wish?
Q: I don’t like Family Guy, will I like this movie?
A: All signs point to no.
Q: I, like everyone else, used to like Family Guy but now I do not anymore. Will I like this movie? (Also, can you please answer in the same way that a Magic 8 Ball would as you did above?)
A: Outlook good.
Q: Should I see this movie?
A: If you are or were at one point a fan of Family Guy, then Ted is a movie worth seeing. If you don’t and never did find Family Guy funny, then Ted is definitely not going to appeal to you on any level whatsoever.